I am eager to make everyone happy. However, I don’t know why I would be like that. Making someone happy doesn’t affect me much, does it? So, why? Why do I feel like I am happy when everyone is happy? It is a fake feeling, right? In fact, I need to suffer to make someone happy. It must be a natural law that the one I could make happy is actually myself. I’ve acknowledged this since the very beginning, but I still do something for people’s sake. Even though, I’ve also known that it is difficult to meet everyone demands at the same time – really difficult to be honest.
Now, the second wave is coming. In this new chapter, I begin to do something for my very own sake. I need to strengthen my identity. I need to put less care about people beside me. I am going to live my own life – being the one I particularly want. So, get ready!
I want to stay by your side
Yet I want to get further away from you
Because I’m scared that if I get too close to you
You’ll know what I’m thinking about
I am really coward. In my childhood, I never spoke up what actually inside my heart to my friends. I was afraid that my words could hurt them because environment made me a sensitive person. The only people I could speak up was my parents at that time. After growing up, I felt my problems also growing complex. I thought that I couldn’t share it anymore with my parents because of it. I didn’t have anyone for sharing my thought too. I needed to work it out by myself. Therefore, I’ve barely expressed my true feelings for a very long time.
My life is full of pretense. I always do everything for people’s sake. As long as they are happy, it doesn’t matter to me, even though what I’ve done is opposite to my feeling. But, it actually hurts me. I want to change. I don’t want to be everyone’s tool. But, when I changed, some people were back to offend me. I am….. scared. However, after musing, I think it is indeed our world. The world is not always filled by good things like the one in our dream. It doesn’t always work well with our expectation too. So, I need to face the whole of it. I don’t wanna run away again. I need to seek my true identity.